Al's Annual New Year's Eve Party

Tyranny rules. The empire of West Middleburg cannot be denied. I know I am enslaved to Al's New Year's party forever. So are all of you. And your friends. And your loved ones.

People say to me, "When I go to Al's, I wake up with fur in my mouth," or "I woke up and I had to vomit, but I had to step over people, so I kept it in my mouth until I could get to the bathroom." Sometimes they say to me, "I puff up like a balloon when I go to Al's house." Or they say, "I hate Al's party and I will never come back." In the past, I have said this myself.

But let's look at reality, cold and clear. Al Mattedi rules the known New Year's universe. He cannot be denied. He always has beer and something to burn, too. Al's party is sort of the primieval party ooze--it is the stuff from which we we're made and it is something that we must return to. Like salmon making their mass migration down Route 85 and spawning at Mrs. K's Kitchen.

Al's party is sometimes an exercise in survival; an exercise which makes you stronger in the end. Only at Al's can you see:

• people bashing their heads into 1/2" thick plywood.
• Hugh vomiting
• burning Xmas trees
• burning Volkswagen Rabbits (that's this year...)
• burning people
• people furtively coupling with other people
• people playing Challenge Quarters and losing big time ("Drink 32, Tim!")
• Hugh vomiting (it was so spectacular I had to mention it again)

Sure, you may have your excuses. You might say, "Al, I was planning to come to your New Year's party, but my grandmother died and I had to attend her cremation." But this is just short-sighted thinking, of the type that make France lose the Second World War [sic]. In this case, the solution is so simple--burn Grandma on Al's New Year's funeral pyre!

I have given considerable thought to the allergy problem that some of the brothers have, what with the dogs, the cats, the smoke, the other people, the neighbors, etc.--and here is my solution: Wear a space suit. It's fun (like a costume party, sort of), and it will make the party much more surreal. You really have to get into it, though: Walk around very slowly, like you're on the Moon. You can walk in the fire, because the space suit will be fireproof (tip: avoid K-Mart space suits). Have a scratchy sounding space suit intercom built in; one that goes "beep" every so often. When people come out of the woods at 5:00 am to pass out, walk up to them (slowly) and play Space Oddity by David Bowie over your intercom. AND DON'T FORGET TO PLANT A FLAG ON AL'S LAWN!!!

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Disclaimer: The events depicted did not occur in the Chapter House and in no way should this posting be construed to mean the Alumni Assocation approves or condones this kind of behavior.